When I was a kid, I overheard my aunt telling my mom that she felt terrible every time she had to ask my uncle for money. As a stay-at-home mom in the 1970s, she didn’t have her own income, and back then, getting her own credit card wasn’t straightforward. So, before bedtime, she would tell my uncle she needed $20 for groceries the next day.
Fortunately, my uncle never said no. She’d find the money on the kitchen table the next morning, often with a little extra, saving her the embarrassment of being handed cash in a patronizing way. She managed to save a little from this arrangement to buy things she needed.
Imagine having to ask for permission every time you need tampons or new underwear. How about buying your husband a birthday gift with his own money? Witnessing that conversation was a defining moment for me. I vowed I would never go through that.
I took this commitment seriously and never let a man use money as a power tool in our relationship. When I date someone, we split everything 50-50. I’ve bought property and started a business with a boyfriend, always sticking to the 50-50 rule. I dislike keeping track of every penny, so we usually maintain a rough tally. Sometimes it’s 47-53, or when sharing a house and a business, we’d put equal amounts into a joint account and add more as needed. This way, I’m happy, knowing I contribute my fair share to the relationship.
When I travel with my partner, sometimes we exchange local currency, and he holds it. It bothers me to have to ask for cash to buy something, even if I’m entitled to half of it. I know my ways are a bit extreme. I even struggle with receiving expensive gifts if I didn’t spend a similar amount. But without my own money, I wouldn’t feel comfortable being entirely dependent on a man, like a child.
Some couples operate by having the higher earner pay more of the bills. My business partner was financially much better off when we bought a house. Should I have paid just 10% while he paid 90%? Somehow, I wouldn’t have felt at home. Interestingly, when we broke up and I bought his half of the house, he said he’d be uncomfortable staying there if we reconciled since I was now the owner. It showed we were a good financial match.
The only uneven relationship I had was with a broke student. He’d cover half of the daily expenses, but for vacations, he’d split the cost of a basic hotel, and I’d cover the rest. I didn’t mind since I would have paid 100% if I traveled alone. However, I never felt right about paying part of his rent or groceries.
My main goal in paying my share of the relationship is to avoid resentment. In the case of my aunt, my uncle could easily have said, “I work all day and you spent $15 on nail polish!” Relationships might be lovely at the start, but they can turn sour quickly. My sister was married for six years, and her husband earned more. They lived a lifestyle my sister couldn’t afford on her own. When they divorced, money issues caused a lot of bitterness. Her husband resented her for not working enough, and my sister struggled to adjust from a big house with a garden to a tiny apartment she could afford on her own.
Hence, I am committed to being financially independent and never relying on a man for support. I don’t want to live in an illusion where I think I deserve more than I can afford. Even if I can afford it, I want my spending to reflect my values. Being financially independent means supporting my lifestyle, not living like someone else. My wealthy ex often complained that I didn’t want to splurge on expensive dinners or unnecessary clothes. But whether it was his money or mine, I still saw it as wasteful.
Your financial arrangement in a relationship is personal. I’ve just shared what works for me. You might prefer a different setup, like paying what you can afford while your partner covers the rest. Just ensure it doesn’t lead to resentment in the future.